The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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