Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
