so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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