I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize