i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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