You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
