he wants to bone in the snuggie
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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