Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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