this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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