Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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