just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
