Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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