just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
