Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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