is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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