im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
