i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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