I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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