I wish I could teleport
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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