his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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