i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
