i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
