I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
