Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
