I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
