i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
