Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
