Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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