I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
