i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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