just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
