somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
