just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
