We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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