woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
