Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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