Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
