I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
