I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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