you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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