Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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