so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
