I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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