So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
