It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
