I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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