She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
