The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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