probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
