how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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