tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize