Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
