She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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