Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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