Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
