Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
