My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
