you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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