we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
