Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
