Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
