Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
