he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
